What you are about to read are actual personal blogs and emails of when I was enduring the worst heartbreak I had ever experienced. You will also be reading entries of when God mended my broken heart.
The time drags on
I was as free as my mind would have me believe
Away to another land…
A place so different…yet so familiar.
I was happy there
But like most things, it came to an end.
And there I was again,
Staring in your eyes.
The days are clear now,
My mind no longer clinging to blurred visions.
You can only hold onto something for so long, until your
hand begins to hurt,
Yet I’m numb to the pain now.
Made strong by the unexpected sameness of that foreign
And here we are.
Here I am.
Love, is meant to be shared…
And now again, the time passes
As I once and for all
Slowly drift away.
I’m sorry I held on so long.
I see that you’re happy. You found someone else. So I’m letting go. I only wish
I didn’t try again and go into this so blindly. I fooled myself into believing
you still loved me, taking your indirect response to when I said to you that after all this
time you still love me, as a yes. I didn’t consider it might mean a no, you
just didn’t want to say that because it would hurt me. I wish I didn’t believe
I had a chance. I guess losing me isn’t as great as a loss to you as it would
be if you lost her. That thought kills me, even though I don’t know all that
she’s done for you, I know all that I’ve done…I guess it’s just hard to
understand because I haven’t gotten over you. I guess if you get over someone,
it is easy to let them go. What does it matter if they’re in your life or not?
Maybe someday I‘ll feel like that too. I hope you don’t get angry with me, although
I honestly feel like you just might not…getting angry would mean you cared. And
my hopes for that are a little more than low. If you really care about someone,
you fight for them. Well, I feel like my fights over. I lost. I was trying to
be your friend, but I must admit the thought that after a while that might
change, was a strong motivation. Now that that motivations lost, it would be a
lot harder. So, I don’t think I can or we should be friends. Either way, it won’t
be much of a loss for you. Maybe when I’ve reached that point of not caring for
you in that sense anymore, I can be. I hate being selfish, I was really trying
not to be, no longer overstepping the boundaries, holding back from touching
you, holding you. I wasn’t even thinking about the fact that although I couldn’t,
someone else was able to. Knowing that information now would be too much. I
hope you can understand.
I wish things could be
I wish it didn’t have to be
I wish you wouldn’t make it
I wish this was easier.
I wish I could be with you.
I wish we didn’t have to let
I wish you wouldn’t act on
We both have to be alone.
I wish I could have kissed
I wish I could have hugged
you one last time.
I wish I would have stayed in
your arms longer.
I wish I never needed you.
Maybe the tides can turn.
Maybe the wind will change.
Maybe when I’ve learned to
only need Him,
Maybe when I’ve finally put
One can wish, right?
We somewhat know what the
I wish it didn’t matter.
I wish we could have tried
anyways and been together until we really had to say goodbye.
I wish I never saw the pain
in your eyes.
I wish I never felt it when I
was in your arms.
I wish you never told me how
it felt when you kissed me.
It made my chest burn and the
blood rush to my head.
I wish I was never addicted
I wish I never cared so much.
I wish I could have put God
because maybe then we wouldn’t
be in this mess.
I wish you knew you’re not
the only one who’s hurt.
I wish I could have learned
this lesson sooner.
I wish I didn’t still have
this tiny hope.
I wish you still didn’t have
a piece of me.
I wish this won’t take too
Maybe then I can be a part of
your life again.
Only if I love Him first…
I wish you knew how blinded
my love for you made me.
I really believe I put you
Love that true can be
I wish you’d understand He
must come first.
I wish you wouldn’t be angry
I wish you knew how what you’re
doing is jabbing the knife in deeper and deeper.
I can only wish you care.
I can only wish you wouldn’t
twist the knife.
I wish I can look into your
Now when I think of you I see
the last time I peered into your face.
I wish the last look was a
I wish we could someday be
But He’ll never let it happen
if we don’t both put Him first.
And maybe even if we do, it
it’s worth a try
I don’t hate. I only love. I
don’t regret. I understand. I forgive. I pray.
Have hope. Have faith. Have
I am, and always will be,
here for you.
I honestly see the world so
I see people differently.
I don’t think the way I used to.
I don’t judge the way I used
I don’t hate.
Ever Since I drew near to Him, really allowed
Him (Jesus), to come inside; He’s changed my mind and my heart.
But only for the better.
I thought taking a shower
alone with lights low was the closest thing to complete peace I’d ever get.
But I never knew the peace He
can give me.
I thought those intimate moments I spent with
my ex were the closest feelings to love I’d ever feel.
I didn’t know the love He can give me.
As my eyes rest on the eyes
of a dream,
My heart skips a beat and I
have to remind myself to breathe.
Unbelievingly soaking in a
reality that’s surreal.
Hard to accept something so
wonderful didn’t stem from my unconscious.
But then it’s easy to accept
he shouldn’t be such a wonder,
For although my mind couldn’t
invent such a blessing as he,
The Hands that created him
are in the business of making miracles.
I’ve come to realize, not only by experience, but by
the experiences of others as well, that love without God, is tainted. There’s
always something wrong. Very wrong. And if not seemingly very wrong, then
something just isn’t right. There’s this missing piece. And what’s sad and very
tragic about this is a lot of us know it. How many times have I heard, “love
sucks,” or “love hurts”? Thing is, it isn’t supposed to suck or hurt. But too
many of us don’t know this. So, the majority of us simply settle. We’re either
constantly getting into fights with the person we’re in a relationship with,
verbally abusing each other, sometimes even getting physical, and we think, “this
is as good as it gets.” Cursing at each other, lying, playing games with one
another, being negatively physical towards each other, using each other; it’s
tainted. The body, heart, and mind were not meant to be abused.
Some say they’re merely putting up with the person’s faults. But if you had God, you wouldn’t
have to. I’m not saying there won’t be trials, but with God, respect, care,
trust, empathy, understanding, simply comes natural to a relationship. You find
yourselves striving to please each other; wanting to express your love for the
other person as much as possible. Simply connecting on a level that far
surpasses any level a mere physical relationship can take you. Not that the
physical side of a relationship is unimportant, but it’s the least important.
Physical beauty eventually fades, physical mobility eventually disintegrates.
Then what’s left after the sexual part of your relationship has come to a major
slow down or complete stop? Would you still yearn and love the person as much
as you did while you were so physically engaged?
God starts off with the spiritual first. And that’s where true love begins, resides, and lasts until
the end. When two souls know they were molded to compliment the other, sex isn’t
what reveals that. It’s when you get to know each other, your true selves,
which can only be discovered through a relationship with God, is this discovery
made. To many of us, sometimes romance movies can seem so unrealistic. We find
ourselves wishing we were that lucky guy or girl, or saying to ourselves, “I
wish there was a girl/guy like that out there.” The characters and the story
are almost perfect. They always meet by “fate” and end up falling in love and
finding the other to be perfect for them.
The amazing thing is: God’s love stories are even more unreal and perfect than any screenwriter or novelist’s imagination. When I hear the stories of how Christians met their husband or
wife in comparison to people who are in a relationship and just believe in God
or don’t even believe in Him, I am further convinced at just how true love
without God is tainted. Yes, I’m saying even if you believe in God, you’re
relationship is not what it can be. It’s one thing to believe in Him, but it’s
a whole ‘nother ball park when you have a relationship with Him. Relationship?
you might ask.
Well, God is known as “The Father.” The obvious reason being, He
created us. But He’s not only called our Father because He created us, but
because He does everything else dads are supposed to do: love us, guide us,
teach us and gently discipline us. He does all of these things and more. So
when you have tapped into the Being that literally is love and the creator of
it, only then are you truly experiencing all that is was created to be. Without
Him, you have the copy of love, the imitation. The tainted, beat up one the
world offers you. They come in all different forms, I’ve mentioned a few of
them, but I’ll mention them again: the abusive love; verbally/physically, the
love blinded by sex; the lust for one another’s body and the way you make each
other “feel” the tricky love where you play games with one another to hook
each other, then there’s simply those who are in a relationship because for the
most part, they do get along and have a lot in common. But ask yourselves if
you haven’t already, “is this really as good as it gets?”
I guarantee you, although you may not share the same beliefs, the fact of the matter is, it can
get better. Way better. Even if you think you’re in a great relationship. That’s
just because you’ve never tasted what a relationship where God’s the foundation
and comes first is like. It really is a fairy tale, unreal, like a dream. He
finds this amazing person for you, that not only in the present, but in the
long run will compliment you and help you with your purpose; be that extra
support so many of us want and need. This person is better than any dream guy
or girl you’ve created for yourself. And if you’re already in a relationship
and you find God together and place Him as the guide for your relationship, you’ll
be molded to fit each other (mainly if you’re already married), or if you’re
just boyfriend and girlfriend, you go your separate ways and find that other
person you’re supposed to be with (not always. He can make it work with the two
of you. Sometimes it takes one or both of you to come together to find Him, hence
why not all Christian relationships work. Just because both people are
Christian doesn’t mean they’re made for each other. My pastor went through four
amazing Christian women but with each one something was missing and God was
saying, “nope, it’s not her,” until finally he laid eyes on the woman he
predicted he’d someday marry, and sure as heck, they did and she was what he’d
been praying for and more. I’m writing this because I just may have found that
person God created for me. Maybe I’m wrong, I am only human, but I do know that
so far, the “coincidences,” everything we have in common, how we even came
together, how much of a dream and unreal this guy is, he’s everything I’d ask
for in a guy and more. And it’s amazing how God was at work in our relationship
even before we met face to face…