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What you are about to read is a powerful excerpt from my new ebook, I Get What I Want, How women win yet lose with manipulation. This is all based off of my own story because I once was a pro at manipulation. While writing this chapter I thought, “This is so the Holy Spirit.” So glory to God for the wisdom He liberally grants when we ask Him for it! The excerpt starts a little after the opening paragraph. ‘Dace’ was one of my ex-boyfriends.
Notice how when Dace first refused to come over, saying he had to take his brother to his show, that I persisted he come. I did not take no for an answer. This kind of unwavering persistence is what the manipulating woman uses to win what she desires from the man. She insists and insists until the man yields.
I used this tactic so often! Sure, I didn’t scream at the top of my lungs and get in my exes faces, but at times my voice did go up a few octaves, and I did not back down until I got what I wanted. Many times my persistence worked. I almost think we women have more stamina in fighting than men do. It’s usually the woman who keeps yappin’ until the man finally retreats to his bedroom, hangs up the phone, or gives us what we want. This kind of manipulative persistence comes across in many forms: nagging, complaining, arguing, belittling. If you’re a wife, you might know what I’m talking about. You want your hubby to take the trash out, or do some other trivial chore so you nag him until the task is completed. Then you get offended when he reacts to you coldly or answers back with attitude. You might respond, ‘Well I’ve already asked you to do it three times.’ You might even throw in, ‘You’re being so lazy,’ which is belittling to the man and many times he’s just tired from work.
Side note: your husband isn’t the enemy. If he truly is lazy, just pray for him. Understand that the real Enemy strongly desires to oppress your husband, to castrate him, to strip away his confidence and make him unfit to lead, or insecure in his ability to lead. If you nag and belittle him, you are being Satan’s strongest weapon in emasculating your husband.
Think about it: there is no one closer to your husband, no one who spends as much time with him or knows as much about him as his wife so the enemy will do everything he can to use you to work his will against your husband. And what is his will? To kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10). Satan will use your selfishness against your husband. The devil will use your manipulative tactics to kill your husband’s confidence, to steal his joy, and destroy his effectiveness for God’s kingdom. The enemy does not want your husband to enjoy life with you and have it in abundance like Christ desires him to.
I cannot stress this enough because so many of us married people allow the sin of selfishness to make a home in our hearts and then, because of this sin, we give the enemy a foothold where he is now able to deceive our hearts because there’s parts in it that are darkened by disobedience. When we walk in obedience, the love and light of Christ fills our otherwise deceitful and wicked hearts (Jeremiah 17:9). Because of His light inside of us, we can see when we are sinning and therefore are able to deal with it rather than submit to it and have it overpower us. Paul gets very in depth with this truth in Romans chapter eight.
So, dear woman of God, do not use the manipulating tool of fighting until you win against your man. You might temporarily get what you want, but in the long run, you will get your most dreaded fear: a husband who cannot lead you.
Don’t break your husband down with your persistence. The Word says:
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which in God’s sight is very precious.”-1 Peter 3:1-4
Do you want to be beautiful to both God and your husband? Then be quiet! Allow your respectful behavior to win your husband over, not your nagging persistence of which the Word says:
“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.” –Proverbs 21:9
Every man feels the same when we come at him with our manipulating persistence: I’d rather live alone in an attic than with this woman.
No Christian woman wants to be like the infamous wife of Job. The poor man is suffering, being under severe attack from Satan, and what does his wife do? Nag and belittle him:
“Do you still hold fast to your integrity [after everything you’ve been through]? Curse God and die!”-Job 2:9
Now we may not be saying those exact words, but we can be saying it the same way. Belittling and complaining/nagging are manipulative and destructive weapons. If we really want to win our husbands over, we need be patient with them, just as God was patient with us before coming to Him, and still is patient with us! Love suffers long (1 Corinthians 13:4).
Once you realize your husband isn’t your enemy and stop fighting him, true freedom will come to you both.