Choosing who to marry


I used to think there was only one specific person God wanted you to marry. But after reading this, I’ve come to a different conclusion:

“A wife is bound by law as long as her husband lives; but if her husband dies, she is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” (I Corinthians 7:39)

The Apostle Paul says here that a woman has the freedom to marry whom she wishes, as long as they are a fellow Christ-follower. This kinda nullifies the whole “soul-mate” idea we’re spoon-fed via Hollywood.

However, I certainly believe there are people God does not want us to marry. The first being someone who does not follow/know/love Him.
But there are times where someone can say they believe in Jesus, but they’re not really following Him wholeheartedly. It is certainly detrimental to your own pursuit of Christ to bind yourself in marriage or even just tie your soul to someone relationally who does not give their whole heart to God.

Think about it: if this person cannot give Love Himself, the One who’s given them everything; died for them, made the way to heaven for them–if they cannot love Him with all their heart, or trust Him with all their heart, how could they possibly love you in a trustworthy and fully devoted way? They can’t devote themselves to the Perfect Person, how will they devote themselves to an imperfect person?

The obvious answer is they won’t. Even if they never physically commit adultery, their eyes will look at others, their minds will wander, they will fantasize, or they’ll be more devoted to something else like a job, the kids, or themselves; their dreams, their desires, their money, their space etc.

The kind of love Christ taught us was very, very counter-nature:

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3, 4)

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (I Corinthians 13:5-8)

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her … So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself … let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:22, 25, 28, 33)

Submit to your husband in everything (Ephesians 5:24)? Respect a man always, even if you do not deem him respectable? This is something a natural woman, a woman who does not love and trust Jesus wholeheartedly will not want to do, nor can do.

Love your wife as you love your own self? That means to always look out for her and provide for her needs, cherishing her always, treating her as one who is just as important as your own self so she needs to be listened to and appreciated. This is impossible for a man to do till death do you part.
And to not seek your own? That’s all the culture feeds us: do you feel good with them, do they make you happy, are you pleased with them in bed, do you have a good time with them? It’s all about you.

But Christ says: wait until you marry this person to enjoy their body. Sacrifice your interests, don’t seek your own, be patient “suffer long.”
When things get tough, don’t give up, do not fail to keep your vows, bear all things, always believe the best. I mean, this stuff is hard at times even for Christians to do because it’s much easier to put yourself first. But when you love Christ with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, you seek to please Him. You desire to obey the way He tells you to love others. And in His amazing grace, He gifts you with His Holy Spirit so you actually can supernaturally love the way He commands. It’s an incredibly beautiful thing.

So Christian, can you marry who you want? Only if they too love the Lord. You’ll save yourself much heartache and save yourself from divorce if you marry someone who loves Jesus more than anything or anyone else. (If you wanna know how I knew God wanted me to marry my husband, check out this post)

So please be wise. Do not marry based on feelings. Marry based on observation. Does this person really love Christ wholeheartedly? How do they show it? What things come out of their mouths? What do they want to do for the Lord? How is God using them presently? Do they walk in the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love toward others? Are they patient, kind, honest, pure, a servant? Or are they selfish and self-seeking, a gossip, rude, impatient, and prideful?

Besides choosing to follow Jesus, who you marry is most certainly the most important decision you will ever make. Who you marry will either build you up in Christ, or drag you farther away from Him. There is no in-between. You decide who to marry. I pray it’s a good choice.

Have any thoughts on this post, comments or questions? Please feel free to share them in the comment section. I’d love to hear from you

3 thoughts on “Choosing who to marry

  1. I get what your saying. But there is a condition to that verse. The verse says “if” your husband dies. God has a book written in heaven on how or lives are meant to be lived. That’s the book written about each persons life. How do we know who God put in that book for us to marry? It’s the Holy Spirit. We can’t just marry anyone. Even if they follow Christ. God designed someone specially for each person. Now the term soul mate. Notice how it uses the word soul!! Our soul is dead. So for one to look at Someone and say this is my soul mate. That is wrong. You don’t have a soul mate. No we have someone God designed specially for you to build you up as you said earlier on. The soul is dead !! It needs to be brought to life !! So if you have a soul mate then you have a dead mate lol!! Hope this was helpful!! Thanks for the post!!

    1. Hi Joy, you’re definitely correct about the term soul mate. Quite an interesting take on it to tell you the truth. There is no such thing as a “soul mate,” but there is a “sole mate.” So what’s the difference?
      Soul mate – Hollywood romance, infatuation-based, self-perceived of “that is the one out of the entire galaxy!” Or a dead mate like you said
      Sole mate – committed, the only partner which God allows/wills in a Christ-centered relationship
      This “sole mate” does not happen at an instant or overnight. It’s important to choose wisely and like you said, be guided by the Holy Spirit. And of course, someone that you’re in love with: body, soul, and spirit.

      However, the spirit is the most important of the 3 because the body will fade and the things that you have complete interest in with that person, that might shift and fade as well. But the spirit will continue to grow. In the midst of searching for that “special someone,” we often disregard others around us that God allows/wills just because 1 of the 3 doesn’t match perfectly (body, soul, or maybe both) and think that’s the Holy Spirit without considering to ask the Lord if that person is whom He wills/plans for you. When it comes to that “specific someone,” I’d like you to picture with me a 2-piece puzzle. If that one little notch or edge doesn’t fit, we know that’s not the one. So what’s the big idea?

      It boils down to this question: what’s the ordained purpose of a Christ-centered marriage? To sanctify us, to bear the image of Christ, to serve one another, to communicate with each other, understanding one another, to draw us closer to Him, and to love like how Christ loved the church that He gave Himself for her. But since we are not born with this nature, all the above add up to one thing: change. We are not supposed to find that perfect piece to match us. But becoming that piece that’s shaping and changing to match that person that God allows/wills into your life. That’s your true “sole mate.” And when you guys grow old together, you’ll find out that you guys will love each other more even though the body is fading and the interests are changing because both of you are growing in spirit in the presence of the Lord.

      Here are the brothers in Christ that I respect. I believe that they do a much better job in explaining it. Please check them out:

      Bob Coy on Searching for a Soulmate:

      How Do You Know Someone Is “The One”?:

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