Where do you find your significance? Where do you find your identity?
Why do you write, why do you sing, why do you act?
Do you want to be noticed? Would you feel more significant if more people acknowledge your existence? Is it a desire, is it a craving, the attention?
As the days go by, this desire within me grows. Not to sing, not to act, not to write, but to be a mother.
For the first two-and-a-half years of my marriage I wanted to be a writer, and a singer. I wanted my books out there. I had a drive though I thought it was fueled by desiring to get the gospel out, and to be used by God. Kingdom builders right?
But now I realize kingdom building isn’t solely reliant on how many books I sell, or concerts and albums I have. It’s when I am personally pouring into someone, a young girl or children, that I am truly being effective and building God’s kingdom. Really, how many books have completely changed your life? Or how many songs? They may speak to you in that moment, or encourage you in that moment, but it’s the Holy Spirit working in your life and through His body that really builds you up. It’s when His people take the time to reach out to you, to listen to you, pray with you, rejoice with you, teach you. It’s when relationships are built, and they can’t be built by reading a book or listening to a song.
I told my husband today, “As the days go by, I keep getting more and more bored with writing.”
I don’t get bored teaching fifth graders the Bible every Wednesday, or my brothers and sisters how to act in order to teach children God’s truths. That never bores me.
I was built to be a mother. I was built to procreate. I was built to teach and to love. I was built for relationships.
That’s what I desire. I’m a daughter of God and like my Creator, I want children. I want to be a mom.