God is amazing. He’s our Husband, our everything. I love getting emails like these. While reading this I totally felt compelled to share and then her final words confirmed that I should. I pray this encourages you single sisters. Love you!
I just wanted to update you. Thank you so much for your advice not to compromise! I appreciate you so much as my sister in Christ! First, I’d like to say congratulations on having a beautiful son! I’m sure you and your husband’s hearts are filled with joy seeing his little face everyday! I was reading your blog today and just felt compelled to update you: so here goes.
I contacted you awhile back…not sure if you remember. I was seeing a man and didn’t feel good about spending time alone at his house. I had been seeing him since December. I did end up going to his home alone…I totally compromised and felt terrible. We cuddled but never kissed or touched or had sex but I still felt he wanted me to be too emotionally involved. He wanted us to be close like we were already married but minus sex. I was still seeking God about him but the peace never came. On top of that, Godly friends in my life kept telling me they had no peace (without me even asking)! I was looking to my own understanding. He had so many great qualities, he was pursuing Christ and we got along and all those things…basically all the boxes on the check list. But in my spirit it just never seemed completely right.
When I tried to pull back and guard my heart he said I was being a bad girlfriend. I began to lust so badly for him over something that seemed so innocent, like going to his house sitting together and watching TV alone. I ignored the Holy Spirit because my boyfriend convinced me I was “doing too much.” He began to mock me for my desire to not kiss or allow any hint of sexual immorality into our relationship. The Holy Spirit kept telling me not go over his house. I wouldn’t listen because I thought was being too religious and paranoid.
Eventually my heart started to become hardened and I was defensive toward God. I didn’t want to obey…and I didn’t. But I thank God for his grace. I finally listened. I knew I had to talk to my boyfriend further about it. We talked, he said I was “doing too much.” I asked him to pray about it and he flat out refused to do that. Instead, he said the cure for lust was not to follow boundaries but to just get married ASAP. Things progressed so fast, I started seeing him December 2014 and he wanted to get married by the end of this year. I don’t think that time frame was completely unreasonable but I felt no peace about marrying him.
So things came to a head about a month ago. We were talking about marriage plans. We went ring shopping and I literally felt nauseous. I had no excitement, just fear and dread because of my lack of peace. I realized it had to be God tugging at me. I pulled away from my boyfriend and went on a fast. During that time the Holy Spirit made it so clear I should wait. He also showed me I wanted to marry him more out of fear rather than faith that he was God’s choice for me. I was too afraid to trust God’s timing because of my age and my desire for children (I’m 32).
But after a lot of crying and praying :)… I told him I had to listen to God and wait. He said it was all in my head and I didn’t really hear from God. He wanted to move forward and get married right away. Long story short, we broke up. I couldn’t move forward without peace from the Holy Spirit;I have to trust the Holy Spirit over my own understanding.
Since then, it’s been hard but God has lead me to face my fear of being 32 and single. I don’t know what will happen but I know I’m doing what God told me to do and the peace in my heart is priceless. I’m choosing to cling to Jesus like never before and my faith is growing in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined! It’s like he is literally strengthening daily… I’m humbled. God is showing me how to stop looking at myself and focus more and more on Jesus and sharing the gospel to this lost and hurting world.
Thank you for taking the time to read this super long email. If anyone is ready to settle and disobey God out of fear please feel free to share any part of my story to anyone who needs to hear it to. Have a great week and be blessed!