God Is Using My Son To Crucify Me

As I sat up in my bed, skin-to-skin, rocking my baby to sleep, feeling so grateful for him, I contemplated the last four days. 

Die to yourself.
Die to your comfort. 

Since day three, I’ve bed-shared with Arrow. It has always been amazing. However, for maybe two weeks (not sure, it’s hazy), it’s been a challenge. He starts turning for every sound. And then he starts rolling and crawling in his sleep. I have to grab him and pull him back to me more than once for him to stop. And then I have to comfort nurse him, but even that doesn’t work sometimes, so I just have to wait for him to relax. Then I try to keep sleeping, only to have him start again. This was happening several times a night/morning. Add on the fact that I use the restroom at least twice and you’ve got a very tired mama in the morning. And my weariness solicited some sadness, and a little impatience. 

Usually, I would be energized and exited to worship at the top of my lungs and pray, but my exhaustion was/is affecting my morning time with the Lord, and I was being short on patience with my loved ones. One night, I was so fed up, I laid Arrow in his crib. Poor thing started crying and I patted his butt to no avail and then decided to let him “cry it out” for a certain time limit before going in again. The next day I tried researching unbiased opinions on CIO methods, and assuming I found one, thought it wasn’t detrimental to Arrow, especially if I often checked in on him as he cried. 

So for three whole days I did it. I let Arrow cry. I let Arrow scream. I asked God—pleaded with Him—to please give Arrow peace and calm him and let him sleep on his own without needing me. After forty-five minutes of crying, he eventually would fall asleep. Today I tried to continue, but I didn’t see improvement. In fact, I saw the opposite. Arrow was more exhausted, he seemed even sad sometimes, anxious when I neared his crib, and fussy when he knew I was trying to get him drowsy. 

Never have I struggled with anxiety, but these past few days, I have. I lost even more sleep and felt three times as exhausted. I decided enough was enough. How in the world could I possibly let my baby suffer any more than he already has? He never cried before unless he became over-tired. He’s the happiest baby I know. And though he’s still happy, I noticed it hasn’t been as much. 

I did more research and read an article on how it certainly is damaging and where the CIO method originated from. It affirmed my decision all the more. I told Arrow I won’t let him cry anymore. So as I hold him tonight, I think about why I chose to try this in the first place. Sure, I was concerned Arrow may have not been getting good sleep with all the rolling around and stirring, but I was more concerned with me. I was being selfish. I wanted my comfort back. 

In the majority of the world, women hardly ever put their infants down. They work hard gathering food and water, cooking, and taking care of their children. But have you seen an African woman’s smile and strength? She doesn’t complain about having to wear her baby and sleep with him. Her culture has trained her to be that strong, but mine? Mine has trained me to put Comfort first, Mother first, Woman first, Self first. 

Abortion is hailed as a woman’s choice and her power over her own body and her child’s. She’s allowed to have him or her ripped to pieces and scraped out of the womb for her comfort. 

Carrying a baby is hard. Being a mom is hard. Losing sleep is hard. But I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul who said he’d endured, “many sleepless nights,” not to mention shipwrecks, beatings, hunger, nakedness and much more. And when was Jesus ever well rested after going into full-time Gospel mode? I’m sure it wasn’t often, based on the accounts of His ministry. He was weary and hungry, a true vagabond, “with nowhere to rest His head.” Yet, here I am, grumpy about some lost sleep? 

This is just a season, and I think it’s the season of really dying to myself. This season will pass. Arrow is teething and learning how to crawl. I heard these things can disrupt sleep. I’ve also unfortunately trained him to sleep in very quiet conditions (I began breaking that habit today!) so I probably made him a light sleeper. 

One day soon, Arrow will be walking, and soon after, running. He will be exploring, and then climbing. He will venture farther and farther away from me. He’ll start driving, and then, he’ll get married. The little baby boy that often needed to be held and touched and rocked will be gone, and I’ll only get hugs and kisses when he visits, or I visit. 

I plan on savoring his little, yet ever-swiftly growing body snuggled against mine for as long as I can. And I can, I will, I must die to myself. 

Today, some more selfishness was crucified to the cross, selfishness I hadn’t really recognized, or justified because of how tired I was. But I got the lesson, Lord, and I pray I always put Arrow—and others—above myself. Hello again attachment parenting! 

Single Sister: If You Want To Get Married Someday, Read This First

Being a married woman has never been more draining.

I only have one five-week old; I can’t imagine having twins or a newborn and a toddler. But boy, is this child giving me a greater understanding of God’s will and goodness.

Babies are needy! Really needy; all the nursing (growth-spurts make baby even more insanely demanding), burping, diaper changing, face-to-face time, tummy time, and holding, not to mention bathing and nail-clipping. Then you can’t forget about your primary human relationship: your marriage; cooking, talking, dating, being intimate. And what about the house? You’ve gotta take care of that too. And I don’t know about you, but in our home, it’s way too easy for the dishes to pile up, and the dining table to get cluttered, and our bedroom to become messy. Pre-baby, it was easy to keep up. Post-baby, it takes hours to finally finish the dishes unless hubby tackles them. I have to do them in intervals because our son, Arrow, will need nursing or changing or holding.

Oh, and there’s another thing that needs tending: you! You have to bathe, brush your teeth, and do your hair some time!

And most importantly, you have to spend time with God and do whatever He’s called you to do—and maintain fellowship with the Church.

Being a wife and mother is no walk in the park. And contrary to popular belief, you come last. But that goes for any Christ follower:

And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.” (‭Mark‬ ‭10‬:‭44-45‬ NKJV)

Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (‭Philippians‬ ‭2‬:‭3-4‬)

Still wanna get married and have babies, sis?

Don’t misunderstand, I’m very content with God’s call on my life. I love my husband and our son, but I was content beforehand too. And I know marriage isn’t about me; it’s about glorifying God first, helping my husband second, and lastly, enjoying the fruit of my union.

Too many single sisters buy the worldly lie that marriage is about you; making yourself happy and gratifying your desires for attention and affection. Many of these women come to hate their marriage because it wasn’t what they expected.

God isn’t shallow or selfish, so He expects His children not to be either. He will test your heart as a wife and mother. Because as a single sister, you aren’t in a 24/7 servant-relationship. You have the freedom to choose who to serve, on your own time, and usually with the help of the church. But in a marriage, you’re on your own. The church can encourage and teach you, but they cannot step in and be a wife and mother for you. No one’s allowed to sleep with your husband but you, and you are responsible for raising your kids in the way they should go. That’s at least two more souls you have to serve 24/7 whether you’d like to or not.

Being a wife and mother takes sacrifice to a new level. Your mind and heart have to toss out the Hollywood romance lies and be ready to embrace the truth of bearing the weight of marriage and motherhood.

Single sisters only see the joy. They don’t see the struggle, or feel the back pain and weariness, or the emotional toil. When you’re one with someone, you’ve got double the struggles because their battles are now yours too. You’ve got double the responsibility because their calling is now yours to support. And then you have double the physical strain because you must sustain another human’s life and teach them how to do it. And how about if your husband or child falls? There is no human on earth you’ll ever love more than your husband and your children so imagine the emotional battles you’ll have to endure if either of them struggle for a time or sin against you?

This is not meant to discourage you, but to exhort you to wake up from whatever fantasy you’ve painted marriage and motherhood to be and instead be sober-minded in how much it costs to take on those roles.

Still want to get married?

God Wants Women To Be Stay-At-Home Wives And Mothers Because …


In the same way, older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not addicted to much wine. They are to teach what is good, so they may encourage the young women to love their husbands and to love their children, to be self-controlled, pure, homemakers, kind, and submissive to their husbands, so that God’s message will not be slandered. (‭Titus‬ ‭2‬:‭3-5‬ HCSB)

I believe the Word of God is inspired. Here, Paul lists several standards for women:

Older women are to be:

1.) reverent [holy] in behavior

2.) Not slanderers

3.) Not addicted to much wine

Older women are also to teach younger women to:

1.) a) Love their husbands, b) love their children

2.) Be self-controlled

3.) Be pure

4.) Be homemakers

5.) Be kind

6.) Be submissive to their husbands

This is what God desires for younger women. It’s simple really. I know in our current American society, there’s a stigma toward stay-at-home moms. I just officially became one last month. I had me and Sir Jonathan’s first child on February 19th, and I totally get why God would desire wives with children to be watchers of the home, workers at home.

Being a mom is overwhelming lots of times, and is really hard work. It is energy-draining, attention-demanding, needing your devotion 24/7. Add on a husband to also care for and love, and a home to keep decent, and you’ve got your hands completely full. So instead of worrying about bringing in the bread, wives/mothers are to concern themselves with their roles, because they’re entrusted with lots.

Some would say going out there and taking on the brutal corporate world is true bravery, but I’d say choosing to be a stay-at-home wife and mother takes an immensely greater amount of not just courage, but love.

My baby boy is only one month old, but I reckon as he grows older, he’s still going to need me just as much—but in different ways; I’ll have to teach him all the good I know.

There was a time when parents had the most influence on a child. But now, the media, celebrities, and peers play a much greater role in influencing your child—unless you step in. This is where stay-at-home moms become superheroes. They’re able to protect their precious baby from so much the working mom can’t.

The public school system exposed me to many things I’m deeply disturbed by in retrospect. In third-grade I was taught how to “booty dance” by one of my friend’s older sisters. I learned how to do these extremely provocative moves such as going on all fours and shaking my bottom, grinding against a little boy while having one leg up, joining hands with a friend and wiggling our bottoms as fast as they could go. I got into a few fist fights. I had my first French-kiss in fourth-grade, and in sixth-grade I picked it up again—heavily. While in the outside lunch area that year, a boy I knew walked past me and caressed my vagina. Having our butts be grabbed and slapped by boys we liked became a huge middle-school fad. One of my best friends in sixth-grade lost her virginity on my bed. By seventh-grade, me and my friends were giving lap-dances, and another girl I called best friend pressured me to try marijuana. That year, while alone in a school hallway, an eighth-grader shoved me against a wall and quickly molested me. Also that year, I found myself unintentionally alone with a boy I really liked at his apartment and he tried to rape me. Bisexuality and homosexuality were introduced in eighth-grade I believe, if not earlier. There’s more, but I think you get the point. All of this began sixteen years ago. I’m sure we can agree that now things have only gotten exponentially worse.

A stay-at-home wife and mother is able to be the main influencer of her child. Like the mother of King Lemuel, who wrote Proverbs 31, we can teach our sons and daughters the right path and when they’re old, they won’t stray from it. It takes all of us—every drop of love and commitment we can muster—to be a full-time wife and mother, but it’s what God wills and He knows best. Do you trust that?

New Mom Confessions: I Need To Remember I’m Still A Wife

I confess: being a new mom can definitely be overwhelming at times. Ok, it’s overwhelming 90% of the time, and this is coming from someone who had a lot of help the first week and a half, and is only now, coming into week three, starting to cook again. I also happen to be married to a wonderful man of God who really served me. The first two weeks, sir Jonathan became a professional butler. While I was glued to my bed or the rocking chair, he was making me breakfast, getting me water, just running back and forth at my numerous beck and calls.

Now here I am: our precious Arrow is three weeks old today, and after my husband told me how my dad encouraged him (grandpa was saying how gifted he was with film and to really pursue it), just hearing the joy in Jonathan’s voice, it hit me:

You’re still a wife.

With all the breastfeeding on demand, picking up baby when he wants to be held, and cleaning dirty diapeys, our son is my number one time consumer. I know he needs me this much, but I can’t forget that my husband needs me to. Even if it’s just a word of encouragement, I can’t forget to care for my marriage. I like to refer to relationships as gardens. If you lovingly tend to your relationship with God, your spouse, your children, it will flourish and become beautiful. If you neglect it, it will wither and eventually die.

If you’re a new mom like me and married, don’t forget your husband. He’s not an adorable, helpless little person that fits perfectly in your arms, but he does need your encouragement and your attention. Flirt with him, give him a genuine compliment, thank him for working hard. Men love to be appreciated, we all do actually. And when you’re feeling overwhelmed, just start to thank God for all that is good in your life; for your precious baby and your wonderful husband.

I’m still only three weeks in, I don’t know what challenges await in the future, but I do know this is just a season. And our baby is already growing rapidly. I need to seize this time and treasure every bit of it, because one day I won’t be able to hold my Arrow. But I also need to tend to the garden of my marriage and make sure no weeds or thorns spring up.

God created us for this. We can be a great wife and mother at the same time. So let’s do it!

God’s peace and grace to you,


What Giving Birth Taught Me About God


Giving birth was the most painful, yet beautiful experience of my life (besides my wedding night). God granted all my prayers: that I’d have our baby at the birth center, my husband would be there through it all, that I’d have a Christian midwife, that she’d be available for my birth, that baby would come before his due date, that I would have the pretty sea-themed room, that I’d have a speedy labor—but one He denied: a pain-free delivery.

Six hours is definitely a short labor, especially for a first time mom, but with diarrhea speeding up contractions, coupled with vomiting, I was in serious pain and quite weak by the time it was time to push. And O, did I have to push. It took an hour for our 9lb 1oz, 22 inch long baby boy to enter the world, and with each failed attempt, I grew more and more discouraged. In my mind, I begged God to let him come out already. I was so tired, so discouraged, just wanting the pain and pushing to end already. It took five different birthing positions and several tries. I asked God why He was doing this to me. The baby’s head had been crowning for some time and I was beat. But God’s grace was sufficient for me, and His strength was made perfect in my weakness. Finally, on February 19th at 1:21am, Arrow Jotham Sapienza made it through the birth canal and into my arms.

A day or two after I gave birth, before entering my time of praise and prayer, I read/prayed this passage over myself and Jonathan:

For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. (‭Ephesians‬ ‭3‬:‭14-19‬ NKJV)

I began my intimate time with the Father by thanking Him, and as I was thanking Him, these words flowed from my heart:

Father, I thank You for the pain. I thank You for the opportunity to be conformed to Your suffering.

I confessed that though that was six hours of intermittent agony, Christ suffered far worse for more than nine hours (and the pain was consistent). During my labor, I was just focused on me; my suffering, but Christ was looking forward to the joy set before Him. He was focused on the Father and on saving us. His love for God and for mankind was what kept Him going.

God answered my Ephesians prayer, and He used my temporary suffering to teach me a beautiful and invaluable lesson: a greater understanding of His love.

My pain was nothing compared to His, but to get a tiny taste of what it was like is an honor and a privilege because now I grasp just a little more how great Christ’s love really is.

My prayer is that God willing, next time around I’ll be thinking of the joy set before me: a child that will be dedicated to God, my gift to Him for all He’s done for me, rather than focusing on myself. [Yes, I plan on going all-natural again at the birthing center. I absolutely love that place! They love you and baby and treat the birthing process like it’s something sacred. And giving birth is. God said the purpose of marriage is to produce godly offspring].

I don’t know what you’re suffering through, but may you likewise come to this place:

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭2-5‬ NKJV)

May our understanding of God’s love continue to grow so that we can become complete in Him.

Praying for you,


I’m 8 Days Away From My Due Date

I’m set to deliver me and sir Jonathan’s first child on February 21st. If I write all the ways God has provided, and all the prayers He’s answered, this post would be at least 10,000 words long. But here are some:

-Jonathan got a second job for a Christian ministry
-I didn’t have morning sickness
-We got blessed with three baby showers
-We have all the essentials; strollers, car seat, bassinet, baby clothes, diapers, baby wipes to last months, pediatrician who’s five minutes away
-All the nursery wants/needs have been gifted to us; changing table, crib (eventually), crib mattress, lamp, crib mobile, sheets, the cute forest animal-themed decorations we wanted
-We haven’t paid for anything for baby out of pocket, not even my prenatal visits
-We got blessed with a new, quality brand-name mattress (ours has been marked in several places by two different dogs and was causing me pain)
-We were working toward getting out of debt and had $500 left that we owed Jonathan’s dad and then randomly received an unexpected check for $500 in the mail. We’re now debt-free
-Jonathan was approved for not one, but six weeks off paid from his higher paying, longer-hours job to bond with baby

God truly is our provider. He has certainly blessed us incredibly and answered so many prayers. I’m blown away by His love and provision, and by His great care for His daughter and son. All the details He paid attention to, even giving unnecessary blessings. He has fiercely protected me and the baby from enemy attacks, and though I’ve become extra clumsy thanks to the increase in hormones, I haven’t fallen once in my entire pregnancy. Every time I stumbled (which was often), His angels caught me.

I just wanted to encourage you all to pray about everything that concerns you, casting your anxieties on Him because He truly does care for you—practically beyond comprehension.

It’s so vital for us to grasp the depth of His love for us and how much we do not deserve it. As we pray for that revelation, we will be compelled to truly surrender all to Him, to live for Him and obey Him because we genuinely love Him and are so grateful for all He has graciously done for us.

I pray a greater understanding of Christ’s love and worthiness to be worshipped is revealed to you that you may offer up your life—the life He’s loaned to you—for nothing but His glory.

Grace and love to you,


God’s Will For Women Hasn’t Changed For Us Living In The Millenium

For thousands and thousands of years God’s commands for His daughters have remained the same: help your husband, be submissive to him, love him and your children, and take care of your home. But for the past century—if that— we’ve been steadily redefining a woman’s role in the church and in society. Many professing Christian women cringe at the thought of, “just being a wife and mother,” though many desire to walk in those roles, and others think they want both plus career.

The excuse I often hear is, “Well we live in a different culture and time.” But since when did Yahweh ever tell His people to conform to the culture? Were not His laws to the Jews so utterly counter-cultural and His commands always to be separate from everyone around them?

For we are the sanctuary of the living God, as God said: I will dwell among them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be My people. Therefore, come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord; do not touch any unclean thing, and I will welcome you. I will be a Father to you, and you will be sons and daughters to Me, says the Lord Almighty. (‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭16-18‬ HCSB)

I have given them Your word. The world hated them because they are not of the world, as I am not of the world. I am not praying that You take them out of the world but that You protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, as I am not of the world. (‭John‬ ‭17‬:‭14-16‬)

“If the world hates you, understand that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own. However, because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of it, the world hates you.” (John‬ ‭15‬:‭18-19‬)

Adulteresses! Don’t you know that friendship with the world is hostility toward God? So whoever wants to be the world’s friend becomes God’s enemy. Or do you think it’s without reason the Scripture says that the Spirit who lives in us yearns jealously? But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Therefore, submit to God. But resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, double-minded people! (‭James‬ ‭4‬:‭4-8‬)

Let’s linger on the James passage. Notice how he says submit to God, but resist the devil. The Apostle John affirms:

We know that we are of God, and the whole world is under the sway of the evil one. (‭1 John‬ ‭5‬:‭19‬)

Catch that? The entire world—that means everyone who is not a Christian—is under Satan’s influence, and we are commanded to resist him. But how many of us daughters of the King are allowing ourselves to be influenced by the feminist movement which is now completely under Satan’s control? It began with Christian women desiring a few rights, but now has branched off to its own secular movement and its ideas are not biblical.

So again I ask, for what, 6000 years or so, through many diverse cultures, God has had the same commands for women, but now suddenly He has a different plan for us living in today’s age? He wants us to be go-getters, climbing career ladders and using birth control instead of getting married and raising children?

How dangerous to say God’s Word was for then but now His ideas have changed with the culture. Did not Christ Himself say:

For I assure you: Until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or one stroke of a letter will pass from the law until all things are accomplished. Therefore, whoever breaks one of the least of these commands and teaches people to do so will be called least in the kingdom of heaven. But whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. (‭Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭18-19‬)

Pure and undefiled religion before our God and Father is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world. (‭James‬ ‭1‬:‭27‬)

God’s Word is consistent and unchanging. He is not influenced by fads. He has clear plans, purposes and functions for women from the first woman to you and I today.

What are you saying, Natasha? That I should be a home-body until I get a husband?

No. Do the work of the Lord, not the world until God does place you before your future husband. I’m not saying getting a job to help your single mother or struggling parents is satanic. I’m saying seeking to make a name for yourself just because you want to prove you’re independent is. Remember, satan is all about self: self-help, self-esteem, self-success, “controlling one’s destiny,” self, self, self. Christ is all about walking in dependance of the Father, submitting to Him and letting Him lead.

We must examine our hearts. Do we desire what Yahweh has clearly shown He desires, or do we desire what the world tells us we should desire?

If you aren’t a wife yet, don’t worry about it. You’re Christ’s bride; serve Him. If you are married, but struggling with desiring career (not the same as ministry) or feel insignificant being “just a wife and mom,” check your heart. In fact, check God’s heart on His will for wives. Do a study through the bible on wives and see what you find.

May Christ convict and heal anyone reading this right now who needs it.

Praying for you sisters daily,